Monday, August 24, 2009

Who reads this?
I'd love to know.
If you read this, leave a comment yes?
I am so curious.
Where is this all going?
Open your eyes. You are now awake into the fan-whirring, blissful morning. Sun is up.
Look in the mirror at an old reflection. Aged over the years. I've known you for almost 19 years.
What a stranger. What a stranger.
A stranger who owns my body.
Hello world. Typical. Hello world.
Awaiting and creating. My new life is awaiting. While I am creating.
All I want is my cello.
I run out the back door to the back step which is soaked with sun. I sit. Just sit.
Hello world.
Here I am.
Do you see me like I see you?
Good morning.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Today, I drove from the rain into the sun.
I need to drive alone. To feel it all. To sing so loud it hurts.
I drove, nearly an hour to my first home, my home.
On the way, Somewhere over the Rainbow played over and over. On repeat in my sweaty Jeep.
At first the tears burned the corners of my eyes, but then they came, warm and soft down my cheeks, my sore throat belting out the words, cracking them, brutalizing them, but loving them.
I cried.
I cried.
I cried.
Sobbing. This song brought back other memories. 
(Kk's old house, we walked up the stairs. Hearing her wail and moan was so painful. So afraid what we'd find. A cry that turned into screams. Although we kept walking up the steps. We held hand-picked flowers in our hands. The song was playing, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" on repeat, repeat, repeat. We found them. Kk. Her Dad holding her closely in his arms. Holding her like an infant. "Bluebirds fly" She screamed, she cried. We cringed. We felt pain. "And the dream that you dreamed of..." We set the flowers on the bed and walked out."
That song, all the pain of everyone I have ever known, gone. That's what that song is about.
No more pain to grace my fathers heart, no more sadness to hang over him.
No more silence from my mother, no more fear from her heart.
No more worry for my dearest sister from the womb, no more anxious, fearful thoughts.
No more worry from my handsome brother, no more fear to share.
No more sickness for my beautiful sister, no more worries.
No more pain, no more fear, no more sadness.
That is heaven. That song. No more pain. No more pain. No more pain.
Heaven is white. Heaven is no more pain.